this new day

I knew, coming into 2007, that I was entering a year full of milestones, most of which revolved around my mother. This past September marked the 20th anniversary of her suicide. And because she died at 46, and I turned 46 in August, I've lately indulged odd, pensive thoughts about life, and time, and what we do with what we've been given.

Yesterday, I was the exact age she was when she died: 46 years, 125 days. I spent a great part of yesterday wondering what it would be like to be living my final day. I looked back on my life and thought, If this was the fullness of my days, would I have been who I wanted to be--who I was created to be? I can't say yes to that question. Given the chance to ponder the past, we quickly find fault. All the detours I took, all the frivolous choices, all the hurtful decisions, loom large over my shoulder.

But the pensive mood of yesterday put today in perspective. I opened my eyes at 5:20 this morning and entered the 126th day of my 46th year. And I found that my slate is clean, and I've been given a fresh batch of minutes to play with. Who will I be, in this first day of unchartered territory? What will I do with the blessings God has poured over me--blessings my mother never availed herself of?

I laid quietly, asking myself those questions, until the words to a favorite worship song drifted into the room.

And for all You've done and yet to do
With every breath I'm praising You

"With every breath I'm praising You ..." I pushed back the covers, rose, and drew a breath.

This new day is His.