Sunday, December 09, 2007

this new day

I knew, coming into 2007, that I was entering a year full of milestones, most of which revolved around my mother. This past September marked the 20th anniversary of her suicide. And because she died at 46, and I turned 46 in August, I've lately indulged odd, pensive thoughts about life, and time, and what we do with what we've been given.

Yesterday, I was the exact age she was when she died: 46 years, 125 days. I spent a great part of yesterday wondering what it would be like to be living my final day. I looked back on my life and thought, If this was the fullness of my days, would I have been who I wanted to be--who I was created to be? I can't say yes to that question. Given the chance to ponder the past, we quickly find fault. All the detours I took, all the frivolous choices, all the hurtful decisions, loom large over my shoulder.

But the pensive mood of yesterday put today in perspective. I opened my eyes at 5:20 this morning and entered the 126th day of my 46th year. And I found that my slate is clean, and I've been given a fresh batch of minutes to play with. Who will I be, in this first day of unchartered territory? What will I do with the blessings God has poured over me--blessings my mother never availed herself of?

I laid quietly, asking myself those questions, until the words to a favorite worship song drifted into the room.

And for all You've done and yet to do
With every breath I'm praising You

"With every breath I'm praising You ..." I pushed back the covers, rose, and drew a breath.

This new day is His.


8 Comment:

At 12/09/2007 8:46 AM, Blogger Ginger had this to say ...

What a feeling, to step into life that was uncharted by a parent. My husband recently passed a similar milestone; his dad chose the day on which he would die as he was losing his fight with cancer. I watched that pensiveness as well, but the sense of freedom to choose is so strong, following on the heels of that...it's empowering.

At 12/09/2007 5:47 PM, Blogger Sharon had this to say ...

What an amazing post Shannon.Though my mom passed in 2001 due to advanced age and ill health I've had similar thoughts as you and Ginger both shared in this post/comments section.Oh,btw,I turned 46 on November 3oth Shannon!We are so close in age and I did'nt know!Love you~Sharon

At 12/12/2007 9:01 AM, Anonymous Pam had this to say ...

I really enjoyed this post Shannon, it is interesting to me how alike we all are. My mother died when she was 44 years 10 days and like you I felt when I turned 44 plus 11 I was on uncharted territory. Praise the Lord for His great navigational skills.God bless you Shannon ~ Pam

At 12/12/2007 1:39 PM, Blogger Julianne Bell @ Family Blueprint had this to say ...

I feel at a loss for words. May the Lord bless you to fulfill all the plans He has for you in the days to come. The days He planned for your life before your birth. May He wrap you in His tender embrace in those moments you feel a little lost because of the loss of your mom and the painful way in which she chose to leave this temporary life.

I understand this in some ways, but not that I want to elaborate in your blog. Just want you to know my heart and prayers are with you and yours dear sister, Julianne

At 12/15/2007 7:02 PM, Blogger Shannon had this to say ...

I'm sorry for you (and your husband's) loss, Ginger.

Glad to hear from you. :) Will you be at SPU this year?

I didn't know we were that close in age, either, Sharon. :) How are you doing?

Pam, I didn't know anyone else had those thoughts. Of course, "there's nothing new under the sun," right? But I like knowing that we've walked this same path.

Great navigational skills ... so well said, Pam. :)

Hello Julianne, and thank you for your kindness. I'd love to hear more from you if you feel like writing.

I wish you lived closer! You seem like someone it would be nice to visit with over coffee. :)

At 12/15/2007 7:55 PM, Anonymous Loni had this to say ...

Thank you for sharing Shannon. I've thought some of the same type of thoughts as my children have passed the age of their 16 year old brother that died. Life - it's precious, each day that God gives us the opportunity to praise Him and share about Him.


At 12/17/2007 8:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous had this to say ...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1/28/2008 7:21 PM, Blogger NeverAlone had this to say ...

I had the same feeling as I hit 41, the age my dad was when he died...a feeling of my mortality like never before. And the feeling of having an extra bit of life granted to me. God is good! And I am 47 and live in Marysville, a little north of you judging from your Seattle clock!


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